Am I Worth That Much?

My first Friday… I always laughed at the people who used to chortle, “TGIF”, but Thank God It’s Fucking Friday (TGIFF works just as well for me). A week of waking up at 5:50 AM has got me dragging, although it seems to be getting easier each morning. By the end of next week I will hopefully have my body trained.

It’s been a good week however, I think I am really going to enjoy this job. The egos I had been dreading upon my entry into the corporate world don’t seem to be present here, and the place is lacking the hierarchal structure that often alienates so many entry-level workers. I think everyone is so welcoming because I feed them, constantly. These people love to eat, and as a consequence they love to see me coming with their lunch in tow.

Perhaps the best part of the job is that I am finally contributing to the financial well-being of my family. Ana has been the sole breadwinner for such a long time that I was beginning to feel a bit inadequate. I worked at Starbucks for a couple of months, but the pay was so meager that it actually served to make me feel worse.

And a strange thing has happened because of my employment here; I have become acutely aware of the discrepancy between how much I get paid for the work I do and how little others are paid for the work they do. The Starbucks barista, the security guard, the delivery people – all of these people are woefully underpaid for their labors. I know I’ve put in my time as one of them, and that I may someday return to that level of employment, yet I can’t help but feel guilty about my success.

I am reminded of an analogy I heard on one of the self-motivation tapes I bought many years ago. According to Anthony Robbins, “Success is like a thermostat; when the temperature is too low, we turn up the dial. What many people don’t realize is that this thermometer acts in reverse. When it gets too hot, when we’ve achieved a level of success we don’t feel we deserve, we tend to turn it down”.

At the time I didn’t believe him because I wasn’t experiencing anything close to what I considered financial success. Now I understand exactly what he meant. I have often asked myself why I have this opportunity when others should not. Would someone with darker skin have gotten the same chance I had? I would like to think so, but I honest can’t admit to knowing for sure.

Regardless, I need to guard myself against these feelings. I spent nearly a year unemployed, and it makes no sense to return to that status. Besides, our near $100,000 debt from school is enough motivation to stay on the up and up, and working as a barista will never pay it off. Ironic that school should be the reason I can’t afford such esoteric questions.